because Mondays suck
My dog really enjoyed himself today.
Just pretend I'm not here mmkay?
Nobody wants to play with me...
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In America 'hooligan' is a laughable word. We think of children that don't wash their hands before dinner and like to swear in the presence of their friends.
Across the Atlantic a 'hooligan' is an a**hole of the first order. A wretched, stupid, ignorant, neanderthal of a man (or, sometimes, woman) the hooligan is a pain in the ass to the 20th power.
Soccer hooligans are, therefore, plentiful in a 50,000 seat stadium watching storied rivalries play out between teams.
This group of hooligans thought it'd be funny to grunt like gorillas every time a black player (#12, Hulk) gets the ball.
So, to shut their dumbasses up...
CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT A GRANDMOTHER SENTENCED TO LIFE IN PRISON FOR A FIRST-TIME DRUG OFFENSE!
*ahem*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cough*
Now that that's done, let me explain exactly how this is gonna work out:
1. Mark and Taylor will be happy.
2. Taylor will ask Mark to make music with her.
3. The song will ber a pop smash.
4. Mark will get bitchslapped with hipster backlash on Pitchfork and indie blogs worldwide.
5. Mark will feel unfomfortable, break up with Taylor.
6. Taylor will be crushed, write song about Mark and perform it on the same award show he will later perform and present an award on.
7. When Mark is presenting the dickly cameramen will do a split screen of both Kanye and Taylor. Kanye will do nothing as he's learned his lesson after I'maletyoufinishgate. Taylor will look like a sad panda.
8. Mark's sophomore effort will struggle while Taylor continues to rake in millions on her heartbreak soundtracks.
Whenever someone tells me something is 'manly' I have to find a way to debunk it.
But when it's advertisers I have to write it off immediately.
All they really do is take a product they already sell, put it in a new package, call it manly, and raise the prize.
Dicks.
These Ruffles chips though are a little different. They're increasing the thickness of the chips and givin' 'em names like 'Smokin'!' and 'Kickin'!'
Haven't seen anything about pricing yet, but if they raise 'em above 99 cents they've already priced my manly ass right out of the game.
Oh well.
CLICK HERE FOR THE WHOLE STORY!
CLICK HERE TO SEE HILARIOUS IMPRESSIONS OF WHITE ACTORS IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES!
If you've procrastinated and are looking to get your grubby hands on the last few tickets to see the Neon Trees at The Loft in Lansing then you better look here:
CLICK HERE TO GET THE LAST FEW TICKETS FOR NEON TREES!
You can also win them from me today. And, of course, my tickets come with meet 'n' greet and maybe even an autographed guitar so they're the cat's meow.
Regardless, the show's tomorrow night and I want you to be ready for the party.
So dig this playlist of both old and new Neon Trees and I'll see you tomorrow night!
Look what we found munching the vegetables in the garden
Meet Megabyte, the chick magnet
So I found this fluffy guy in the park, he looks totally pissed off
She loves being between my girlfriend's legs.
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Impressions peformed:
Bradley Cooper
Seth Rogan
Jason Sudeikis
Mark Ruffalo
Justin Timberlake
AND HE CRUSHES THEM ALL. I have no idea who this guy is, but he's pretty damn good at this.
And, it's extra funny because these five guys are the perfect white male archetypes for every romantic comedy ever made.
I can't stop watching these video and laughing like a nut. Damn. So good.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AS READ BY GILBERT GOTTFRIED??!? CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO!
Elisa Castillo maintains that she had no idea she was trafficking drugs. She says she was tricked into unknowingly helping transport drugs and money for a big trafficker in Mexico.
That didn't save her from catching a life sentence though.
Despite being a first time offender, they threw the book at her when she refused to plead guilty to a crime she believes she didn't knowlingly commit.
The same jury she trusted to exonerate her of the charges found her guilty of helping to transport a ton a cocaine across the US bornder. The sentence she bears was the hardest received amongst the 68 other defendents in the case.
CLICK HERE FOR THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS STORY!
WILL SMITH BACKHANDS A REPORTER FOR TRYING TO KISS HIM! CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO!
Web comics are awesome for two reasons:
1. They're WAY more in touch with popular culture.
2. You don't have to buy a newspaper (or stand around in a book shop you cheap bastard) to read 'em.
Weddings suck for a billion reasons. Here's three:
1. Dressing up smells like open booty.
2. Renting tuxes smells like open booty.
3. They're gonna get divorced, but I won't get my gift back. That DEFINITELY smells like open booty.
The good folks at StickyComics.com have found six more reasons that weddings can suck. Specifically, as it pertains to your (crappy, stupid, frustrating, lame-ass) date.
Will Smith was at the premiere of Men In Black 3 in Moscow when reporter tried to kiss him on the mouth. So Will pushed him away. THEN he slapped the guy. Backhand. Like he would a disrespectful hoe. Or a манекен like this guy.
To Will's credit, it wasn't a hard slap. But a slap it was. The reporter's face was forcibly pushed 2-4 inches to the right with the force of the blow.
I thought about how I would handle if it a guy tried to kiss me on the mouth. Frankly, I don't know what I'd do.
Wow. I can't even think of anything funny to say since this question so perplexes me. What would I do? Dang...not sure...gonna have to revisit this later.
CLICK HERE FOR MORE OF THE STORY!
EMO-STYLE HAIRCUTS CAN GIVE KIDS A LAZY EYE! CLICK HERE FOR THE SCIENTIFIC PROOF!
I told him we're goin for a ride...apparently he has no imagination.
My friend's dog struggling in the wind.
LISTENER SUBMISSIONS!!!
Two unrelated cats at the shelter I work for, Michigan Animal Rescue League.
-Jessie Lussenden
Charlie was worn out after an evening with his two German Shepherd girlfriends!
-Jessie Lussenden
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